


The Sound of Utter Devastation

by MadamePresident2032



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Clary Fray mentioned - Freeform, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Isabelle Lightwood mentioned - Freeform, Luke Garroway mentioned - Freeform, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Feels, Protective Jace Wayland, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad Magnus Bane, Sad Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis mentioned - Freeform, Supportive Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 09:20:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18407702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamePresident2032/pseuds/MadamePresident2032
Summary: A sudden pain took root in Jace, causing him to startle out of his almost sleep. The pain was emanating from two distinct places, his heart and his parabatai rune, which left only one logical conclusion: Alec was hurt.***Jace finds Alec in the aftermath of 3x17





	The Sound of Utter Devastation

The institute was never a still and quiet place, there was always someone doing something that required at least a minimal level of noise. It was fitting given that these Shadowhunters were in New York. If the city was never completely asleep then its protectors would not be either. Despite all of this Jace had believed he would at least get some rest tonight. After a few hours the blonde had finally convinced Clary that sleep was necessary for whatever was coming their way and he had thought that was how he would spend his night. Peaceful. Holding Clary in his arms and drifting off into a reality that didn’t involve a psychotic redhead he hated trying to steal the psychotic redhead he loved. 

Per usual, Jace was wrong. 

A sudden pain took root in Jace, causing him to startle out of his almost sleep. The pain was emanating from two distinct places, his heart and his parabatai rune, which left only one logical conclusion: Alec was hurt. 

Jace’s eyes wondered to the clock which read just past midnight. Another throb pulsed through his shared rune causing Jace to shift in bed and gently move Clary off of him. He was doing his best not to wake her, knowing that if he did and she found out what was going on she would insist on accompanying him to find Alec, which would only accomplish in sending Alec even further into an emotional spiral. After Jace had successfully vacated the bed, he turned to watch Clary for a few moments to make sure that she didn’t wake. Once it seemed like he was in the clear he turned and started to the door. 

The second that Jace’s feet crossed the threshold he was hit with a wave of utter despair. It was almost crippling and for a moment brought Jace to his knees. In all of the years the brothers had been parabatai Alec had never released a flood of emotion like this onto Jace. Forcing himself to his feet Jace continued on, now more determined than ever. If Alec was letting Jace feel this much it had to be bad, and Jace couldn’t allow his brother to endure any more pain alone. 

Alec had always had an unnatural level of control over their bond. Even when they had first become parabatai Alec had made sure that Jace never felt all of his emotions. At first it had bothered Jace, because it felt like Alec had not truly trusted him. They were parabatai, they shouldn’t be afraid to share anything with one another; but after a while Jace simply got used to it. He had confronted Alec about it before, but Alec had brushed it off saying that he was the big brother and should be doing his best to help Jace and not the other way around. It was a stupid answer that Jace should have seen through, but he didn’t. Instead, he had just been thrilled that there was someone there who cared enough about him that they prioritized him over themselves. It had been the first time it had ever happened. 

Now Jace realizes that Alec knew exactly what he was doing. He had made sure to master his control over their bond to prevent Jace from ever finding out about his sexuality. If Jace had really known how Alec felt, then Alec stood a chance at losing a person that he loved, so it was easier to gain control over his emotions and hide. Alec also knew how to throw Jace off the scent. He knew which excuse Jace would accept, and he was comfortable giving it because it wasn’t a complete lie. Alec was always a protective big brother and was always taking steps to look after each of his siblings. It made since that he would learn to control the bond because he would want to protect Jace from carrying that burden, even if that is what a parabatai was for. 

Jace kept these thoughts with him as he walked down the now eerily quiet halls of the institute. There were no footsteps, no voices whispering the names of different demons, or even an echo of a punching bag in the distance. It was just a still and steady silence, which scared Jace. 

As the young Shadowhunter made his way down the dark hallway the quiet he was previously afraid of transformed slowly into a sound that broke his heart. It was the sound of a person trying their best to muffle their own sobs. It was a sound that made Jace want to go back to the silence. 

Jace could just barely make out the image of a person hunched over at the end of the hall. Shoulders were shaking, legs were pushed up against the chest, and one hand was slammed against the ground as if it was the only thing tethering the person to this world. The ink black hair which was scattered in all directions made it impossible for the person to be none other than Alec, a fact that only caused the pain in Jace’s chest to drop into his stomach. With the knowledge that he found his brother Jace began to make his steps fall a little harder that way the archer would know he was no longer alone. 

“Hey buddy.” Jace whispered. He lowered his voice into what he hoped was considered soft and comforting. If Jace was being honest with himself, he was trying to replicate the voice Alec used with him when they were younger and Jace was the one seeking comfort. 

Alec’s head shot up from its bowed position, which caused Jace to see that Alec’s other hand was violently pressing against his mouth. That was how he was muffling the sobs; he was nearly choking himself in an attempt to prevent others from hearing him. 

When Alec made eye contact with his little brother burning tears began to spill down onto his cheeks. Alec let his hand drop from his mouth and onto the floor. Jace had almost made his way to the corner Alec had haphazardly thrown himself into when Alec quickly, and clumsily, rose to his feet. Jace instantly stopped, feeling a grip through the bond that he identified as Alec’s anxiety taking ahold of him. 

“I’m sorry.” Alec muttered. His arms were wrapped around himself, something Jace had learned was a tactic for self-comfort. 

Jace took another step forward and said, “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” When Alec flinched into the wall Jace stopped his advance and raised his hands in surrender. “It’s okay Alec. It’s okay.”  
Alec was desperately shaking his head and trying his best to push himself further into the corner. “No, it isn’t. It isn’t okay Jace.” 

There was only one thing that could cause Alec to breakdown like this, something had to have happened tonight with the proposal. Something had to have gone horribly wrong. “Is Magnus okay?” Jace asked. 

Once again Alec was shaking his head. A visceral sob escaped the lips of the Head of the Institute, one that was so powerful Alec accidentally slammed his head against the concrete wall that he was so desperately huddling near. That was it for Jace, he couldn’t stay away from his brother when something like this was happening. 

Jace moved quickly, pulling his brother into his arms and sliding down the wall of the hallway. It was rare that Jace was the one holding Alec, but it was something that had to happen right now. At first Alec tried to fight Jace, squirming around in an attempt to break free, but after a few seconds Alec simply broke. There was no longer a will to fight left in him, and Jace was left feeling utterly exhausted. 

“Alec what happened?” Jace asked but was met with just the sound of sniffling and tears hitting the tile floor. “Please, I need to know what happened. You can trust me parabatai.” 

Jace allowed his fingers to start running through Alec’s hair. It was a tactic that Alec had employed whenever Jace had snuck into his older brother’s room after a nightmare, and needed help going back to sleep. It always succeeded in calming down Jace enough that he could catch his breath, and that is exactly what Alec needed at the moment. “Please,” Jace tried again. 

Alec’s grip tightened on Jace’s arm, and he could sense that Alec squeezed his eyes shut before whispering, “I’m not enough.” 

“What are you talking about?” How could Alec ever think that he wasn’t enough? He was one of the best people that Jace had ever met, of course he was enough. 

“I’m not enough for Magnus.” Alec shifted so he was now sitting up next to Jace and looking forward. The hallway was still abandoned and dark, and at the moment that was a good thing. 

“Did he say no?” The question was hard for Jace to ask in a voice that wasn’t furious. The very thought of the warlock breaking his older brother’s heart filled him with rage, especially after Magnus had promised to never hurt Alec. 

“He never had the chance.” Alec admitted with a sigh. This time when Alec’s head met the concrete wall it was due to him resting and looking up at the ceiling, which Jace saw as an improvement to before. “He was 32 minutes late and drunk.”   
“I honestly didn’t know that Magnus could get drunk.” Jace said. 

“Neither did he, but it turns out he lost his tolerance along with his powers and immortality. Just the cherry on top of everything, huh?” Alec closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “He is unhappy Jace. He is completely miserable, and I think that a small part of him blames me.” 

“Why the hell would he blame you? Alec, he loves you, just because he is upset about losing his magic doesn’t mean that he is mad at you.” Jace grabbed his parabatai’s hand in hopes that it would provide some comfort. 

For such a naturally stoic person, Alec was a very physically affectionate person. If he loved someone, he showed it in little ways. It was in the way Alec always pulled Izzy in for a quick side hug as a greeting every morning; it was in the way he took the time to wrap Jace’s hands before a workout because Jace had always been trash at precautionary measures; it was in the way he would gently move Clary into a correct stance or the way he would greet Simon and Luke with quick pats on the shoulder or arm. Alec expressed his love through physical contact, so that was what Jace was going to do for him now. He would be Alec’s anchor. 

Another sob tore through Alec’s entire body. He laid his head on Jace’s shoulder and allowed himself to shake his way through the pain for a few minutes until he could finally articulate an answer. “When you were possessed by the Owl and Magnus had decided on going to Edom to save you, I tried to stop him,” Alec took another breath to steady himself, “but he didn’t listen. He asked me to tell him that you weren’t worth it. If I would have told him that he wouldn’t have gone to see his father. He wouldn’t have traded away his powers. He wouldn’t be depressed right now, and I wouldn’t be in the corner of the damn hallway crying like a pathetic child.” 

A pain that didn’t belong to Alec had found its way into Jace’s heart. When he had first come back from his possession, he had obviously known the sacrifice that Magnus had made, but the loss of Clary had been too much for Jace to even process the guilt that he knew he should be feeling. Now seeing Alec broken, it forced Jace to confront that guilt; because for the first time since the two had become parabatai Jace realized that Alec had someone he would and should love over Jace. “I’m sorry Alec.” Jace whispered while pulling his brother closer. “I’m so damn sorry and I should have said that so much sooner. I’m so sorry.” 

“It isn’t your fault Jace. It’s mine.” Alec got up from the ground, breaking away from the comfort Jace was attempting to provide. “I should have found another way. That’s my job. I’m the Head of the Institute, yet I am constantly relying on other people to solve my problems. What kind of leader does that?” 

By this point Alec was pacing back and forth, with his hands in his hair slightly tugging at his dark locks. Jace wanted to say something, he wanted to cut in, but something had captured his voice. All he could do was sit there and stare at his selfless and tormented older brother.   
“And Magnus should blame me. He should hate me! Because he knew Jace! He knew that when he lost his magic that I was happy! I was happy that the very thing that made him feel special, the thing that made him feel like himself, I was happy that was taken from him because it meant that I got the happy ending I never imagined was available to me!” The shouting proved to be too much for Alec as his body dropped to the ground once more and he curled into a ball. 

Jace crawled from his spot in the corner and wrapped his arms around his brother. Sharp and gut-wrenching wails reverberated off the walls of the hall, and Jace wished he would go deaf before ever having to hear those sounds come from his brother ever again. “Shhh Alec.” Jace cooed. “Just try to breath please. Shhh just breath.” 

Eventually Alec was able to regain control of his breathing, but he did not attempt to pull himself out of the human puddle he had become. “Alec you need to let that guilt go. I know you, and I know that you have only ever cared about making Magnus happy. You can’t blame yourself for your gut instinct to be happy about growing old with the man you love; you saw a silver lining in a dark cloud, and you clung to it. That is okay.” 

“I hurt him; he is still hurt.” Alec said. 

“He is pushing you away Alec, he wants to see if you’ll stay. He wants to see if he is worth it. Maybe not consciously, but on some level, Magnus thinks he isn’t enough for you without his magic. You have to show him that he is wrong.” Jace said while pushing their foreheads together. 

“That is why I was purposing. Even if he said no, I just wanted him to see how much I loved him. Because it doesn’t matter to me if he is the High Warlock, just like it didn’t matter to me that he was Asmodeus’ son. The only thing that matters is that he is Magnus.” Jace pulled Alec even closer into his arms, which was awkward given their position laid out on the floor. 

“Al-Alec.” A voice came from a few feet behind them. Alec instantly recognized it and jumped to his feet with Jace following suit. Jace took note that Alec was viciously scrubbing at his face, trying in vain to erasing the tear tracks from his face. “Oh Alexander. Please tell me those tears aren’t for me.” 

Magnus’ feet carried him at a quick pace over to his partner. Instantly arms were tightly wrapped around Alec and Magnus’ face was resting on Alec’s collarbone. “I’m so sorry love. I’m sorry, I should have never said those things. “Magnus whispered into Alec’s neck. 

“No.” Alec stated in a firm voice but then swallowed what must have been a left-over sob before continuing, “I’m glad you said those things. I’m glad you didn’t hide from me. I’m just, I’m just...” Alec sighed and pulled Magnus closer to him, “I’m just sorry that I let my own selfishness blind me to how you were feeling, and I needed you to breakdown to open my eyes.” 

“Alexander please don’t call yourself selfish. Please.” Magnus pulled away so he could look Alec in the eyes, “You have never been immortal, so it is hardly fair for me to expect you to automatically understand what I was feeling. Of course, you would try to find the happiness in all of this, and I don’t want you to ever think that growing old with you is my version of hell.” Magnus’s hands rose to gently cup Alec’s face, “I love you darling, and I will happily take any future as longs as it is with you. I just need you to understand that I’m not okay right now, and I don’t know when I will be. Just please don’t give up on me, I don’t know if I could survive that.”

Alec brought his own hands to rest on top of Magnus’ own. “I could never give up on you, you are my everything.” 

Jace brought a hand up to wipe away a tear from his eye. The love between these two was palpable, and even he could not resist the warmth pounding all the way from down in his chest to all the way up in his eyes. The road ahead was bound to be difficult, but that was hardly something new for this little family. Jace could at least rest tonight knowing that his parabatai was going to be alright. By no means was this issue settled, but at least Alec would be sorting through all the pain with Magnus rather than alone in an abandoned hallway in the institute. 

Jace knew it was time for him to make his leave, so he backed away slowly once again testing the waters to see if his departure would be noticed. And once again it wasn’t. 

As Jace made his way back through the institute he was hit with a familiar silence, that was now no longer eerie. The quiet was previously an environment that Jace had found deadly, but in comparison to the noise of pure suffering that had come from Alec the quiet was rather harmless.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to get my 3x17 feelings out. Leave a comment and a kudos if you enjoyed this!


End file.
